What is Love?
by WICKEDiscrap
Summary: A phanfiction about sexuality, awkward dreams and the true meaning of love. WARNINGS: self harm (mentioned)


**What is Love?**

It began with the dreams. Initially, he thought they were nightmares, but then he thought otherwise.

Phil had been friends with Dan for over five years, and they'd even lived together for around half that time. So why were things changing?

The dreams always made Phil awaken feeling awkward and nervous, his stomach hollow like a deep pit of swirling anxiety. He had _never _thought of Dan in 'that' way. Despite what the fans had taken to assuming, their relationship was purely platonic. He did love Dan, and they were an inseparable pair, but it had never been like that. Phil could easily appreciate the fact that Dan was obviously attractive and had possibly one of the most amazing personalities he'd ever come across, and that any girl who dated him would be extremely fortunate.

But that was the thing, Dan was into girls. Plain and simple: straight. And that worked well, because so was Phil. At least, he'd thought so until now.

Dan had always been the flirtatious type, and if the clichéd line "[He] flirted like [he] breathed" was ever going to apply to someone, it would be to Daniel Howell. Initially, it was somewhat intimidating to Phil. Flirting signifies confidence and almost gives the illusion of an upper-hand, but over time Phil simply got used to it. If anything, it made things less awkward and strained, and Phil always knew that Dan was just joking around and had never intended for things to come across as him being interested in Phil. It's like those moments when you're in the car with your best friend, and a really cheesy romance song comes on. So you turn up the radio and begin over-dramatising the lyrics and singing to each other. Even though the lyrics could be a proclamation of love and there you are, singing them at each other, it's intended in a joking manner, and nothing romantic or awkward comes from it.

Dan was the type of person who craved human contact. Whether it be romantically or not, he needed it like a photographer needs a sunset. Dan always liked to be wrapped in blankets when it got cold, or huddled up next to someone with warm hot chocolate mugs; and whenever he got drunk, his flirting wouldn't amplify to sleazy pick-up lines and rude comments, but would instead be dulled over by his never-quenching need to cuddle up to someone. Again, Phil at first found this somewhat uncomfortable, considering he did _not _do the whole 'touchy-feely' thing. But, after the half decade he'd been around Dan, he became robotically used to Dan's routine of falling asleep on his shoulder during a late-night movie marathon, or sitting directly next to him when they were on the sofa together.

Phil saw all these little things as ways in which their friendship strengthened and bonded together, making the two more unbreakable than ever. Fans, however, saw this as unrequited and hidden love and admiration. Maybe that's what it was. He did love Dan: like two brothers care about each other. But what is love, anyway?

Phil found that the line between love and companionship had the ability to be blurred easily. And it confused him. Five months ago, Chris had apparently discovered that he was gay, and claimed that he was in love with someone. The initial thought was PJ, but after Phil had finally sat Chris down to discuss the topic, it was revealed that it wasn't in fact who everyone had thought. Though Chris didn't say a specific name, it was apparently quite obvious as to who it was.

"It's you," Dan had said one morning, casually plopping down next to Phil on the sofa, nearly sending his bowl of Lucky Charms flying.

"… Me?!" Phil nearly shouted, half choking on his cereal. "You mean… Chris?… _Me?_"

Dan sighed, "Yes you, it's obvious." He went back to nonchalantly eating his cereal, as Phil was trying not to pour his own bowl all over himself in shock.

"But… I'm his oldest friend! We practically grew up together!"

"Exactly," Dan replied, raising his eyebrows pointedly. "Besides, I got it out of him to describe the person, and this 'guy' Chris is in love with perfectly fits your description."

Phil was still sitting with strong paralysis, trying to absorb everything he was hearing, so Dan continued.

"You never told me you were bi-curious…"

"_WHAT_-" Phil's head shot up. "'Bi-curious'?! He told you that?!"

"I don't care whatever the hell sexuality you want to be, Phil, I just thought you'd tell me-"

"No, no, no. I'm not-… I'm not-…"

"… What? Bi-sexual?"

"No, I just-" Phil ran a hand across his face aggravatedly, and sighed. "I don't know, when he said he was gay, I just felt like it was right to say that I was bi…"

Dan looked blankly at him. "That literally makes no sense… Wait, _are _you bi, though?"

"No- Well, maybe… No…" Phil released a huff of annoyance at his inability to articulate, "I don't know…"

And that was where they left the conversation, never to be risen again. Over the next few months Phil finally saw how oblivious he had been to all Chris' flirting and close contact, and it was unnerving. Chris flirted differently to the way Dan flirted: it was needy and forceful. Different to the playfulness Phil was used to from Dan.

But over the months, Phil found himself going along with it. Flirting back, allowing Chris to cuddle up to him. Phil realised that the reason he didn't mind when Dan did it was because of the innocent intentions he had. When it was Chris, Phil found himself uncomfortable and unable to say no to one of his oldest friends.

_If it makes Chris happy, then I'm okay… _

That was the mantra Phil repeated to himself whenever he was in one of those awkward situations. But he wasn't okay, and no one knew the truth.

And then the detachment happened. Phil's anxiety and insomnia started returning, interrupting his sleep with horrific nightmares, and snapping his sanity with paranoia and panic attacks. After a full month of the hardships and stress he was under, Phil broke. And he broke in more ways than one. Dan had been helping him through everything, but everything he did, though with good intentions, always seemed to miss the mark. And it all lead up to that one night when Phil was home alone, sitting in his room with nothing but an old, metal nail file. The edges of the file glinted menacingly, jagged edges protruding from the uniform pattern of straight up-and-down. And Phil couldn't say no.

That's the thing about the first time you cut - you're curious. You don't know what it's like, how it will feel, what it will do. You don't even consider how addictive and life-consuming it will become. Your go-to outlet for expressing pain that you will rely so heavily on. And then, once it's done, you can't go back. And the panic sets in.

The world seemed to blur and spin, warm patches oozing through Phil's pyjama top, staining his clothes with a rich, dark red. His lungs seemed to shrink, not being able to capture enough oxygen as he choked his way through a panic attack. Somehow he found himself clutching his phone and dialling a number, praying for a voice to pick up on the other end.

"Hey Phil, what's up?"

"Chris…" He nearly inaudibly choked out. "I need your help…"

Phil really had no clue as to why he'd called Chris, but it really seemed to work. Chris talked him through his panic attack, and told him how to clean up the wounds. Then he told Phil to get into bed and get some rest, so that's exactly what Phil did. As sleep finally overcame him, a small part in the back of Phil's mind realised why he'd called Chris first, though he'd never admit it out loud.

But that was only the beginning of the detachment. Phil noticed slowly after he'd called Chris that night, he'd heard much less from his friend. Eventually Chris stopped spending time with him, and he distanced himself further and further from Phil. Phil honestly couldn't understand what was going on, but told himself that maybe Chris' crush was just wearing off.

That was around the same time Dan and Phil had been introduced to Charlie. They'd always vaguely known him through YouTube, but he and PJ had recently began woking on a film collaboration, which offered a great opportunity to finally meet. After meeting up for lunch one afternoon, the group had made plans to catch up again; and after several more lunches, breakfasts and occasional YouTube parties thrown into the mix, Charlie had easily become a part of their little circle. One evening, Phil, Chris, Dan, PJ and Charlie all found themselves at a bar. Chris and PJ were ordering drinks, and Dan was chatting up a girl who was quite stunningly beautiful, with softly curled auburn hair, bouncing slightly as she laughed at whatever Dan had just said. Phil couldn't blame Dan really, they'd been living together for years and he'd hardly dated anyone in that time. Phil felt Charlie's presence as the younger boy came up and sat down beside him.

"So what's going on with you and Chris?" Charlie tried to subtly ask, and then hastily added, "If you don't mind me asking, of course…"

"No, no, it's fine. Um, we're just not really talking much anymore… I don't really know why, to be honest…" Phil replied, thoughtfully.

"Well, Chris told me that you two used to be really close, but then you apparently became 'too hard to deal with'," Charlie said, lifting his hand to make physical speaking marks to accentuate which parts Chris had said. When Charlie saw Phil's face, he immediately wished he could take back what he'd said. But he couldn't and he never would be able to. Because Chris had used Phil for himself, and when Phil truly needed him, he wasn't there.

The dreams started a few weeks after Phil's conversation with Charlie. The whole issue with Chris had nearly blown over, since Chris had isolated himself from their group, not bothering to contact any of them. That might have been the thing that hurt Phil the most. Or maybe it was the fact that he realised too late. Did he love Chris back? What even _is_ love?

Is it someone who is always there for you? Who loves you for every fault you have, and every weird quirk that only you have? Because that was Chris. Chris was attractive and smart, and a pretty good person, so are they the ingredients for love? It's like back in high school when you discovered that someone had a crush on you. For some reason, even if you've never previously noticed that person, they now can't seem to stop catching your eye, and you start to like them back. But why does love work that way? Was what Phil felt for Chris 'love'?

_Yes… _

_Maybe._

_No…_

Phil had told himself.

If Chris had been a girl, he would have been in love with her. But he wasn't. He was a guy. And Phil couldn't have forced himself to be attracted to someone of the same gender, and that was that. Until the dreams…

The dreams began fairly recently, and shortly after Chris' detachment. At first Phil had one about PJ. They were back in their high school as teenagers, sitting on the concrete out the back of the school at lunch. Suddenly PJ was leaning forward, placing his hands on the ground either side of Phil's hips and leaning in. It was a weird sensation. Usually you just get the visuals in a dream. Maybe some emotions thrown in, but never usually a physical _feeling._ Phil woke up tasting PJ's lips on his, his mind numb and his body almost melting at the pleasure of the kiss. The strangest thing was that Phil wanted to fall back asleep and return to the dream, he wanted to go back to kissing PJ.

After Phil finally sobered up from fatigue, he began to consider his dream. Did he like guys? Was his subconscious trying to tell him something? Would he actually kiss PJ? He was attractive, fair enough, but maybe Phil wouldn't actually mind if PJ came on to him… Especially if he could kiss like that-

Phil was snapped from his day dream by Dan knocking on his door and asking about the day's plans. Once more, Phil brushed those thoughts under a rug in his mind. A very thick rug that would never be turned over. Until his next dream…

A few weeks later, Phil had another dream. He was standing in his bathtub alongside Charlie, PJ and Dan, and a radio somewhere in the room was playing Paramore's 'Still Into You'. They were all singing the lyrics as loudly as they could, and when the chorus came around, Phil turned directly to Dan and sang:

_"__But after all this time, I'm still into you…" _

And then he tried to lean in and kiss him, but Dan was trying to push Phil off, and the whole moment was left hanging in the air awkwardly, as Dan just stared at him.

Luckily, Phil woke up before he could do anything even more stupid. But waking up didn't necessarily translate to leaving behind. The memories and secondhand embarrassment and fear of what he'd just said, still lingered in his mind. It was a strange feeling - empty and nauseous, mixed in with a hint of guilt. Phil couldn't even bring himself to look at Dan all day, because the same set of questions were running through his mind:

Did he like guys?

Was this a subconscious message?

Would he really kiss Dan?

And then he couldn't help falling back into the same pattern he had become a slave to, back when Chris was his main issue. Was he in love with Dan? Hell, he _knew_ he loved Dan - just in which way?

After a week, Phil couldn't stop thinking about the meaning of all his dreams. It was such a different feeling to think about Dan than thinking about PJ. With PJ it almost felt fun - he occasionally did get bizarre cravings for PJ to suddenly pin him against a wall and kiss him with so much force that Phil felt like he was melting, like in his dream. But with Dan it just felt guilty and _wrong_. But Dan was his best friend. His best friend who he hadn't had a proper conversation with for days in fear of screwing up, like in his dream. His best friend who he might possibly be in love with - in both ways. If he told Dan everything, he might be able to help. He might love him back. He might be the person Phil needs and has always needed in his life. Again, Phil felt stuck in the same ditch - if Dan had been a girl, he would most likely be fully in love with her. But Dan was Dan, so he didn't love him. But at the same time, how should a simple gender matter when the person is perfect in every other way?

What is love? The unanswerable question. Is it Dan? Is it PJ? Was it Chris, all those months ago? He loved Dan's personality, and he loved him down to his very core. Isn't that love? The utter, rawest form of it? Dan had always been there for him and always cared for him and stood up for him no matter what. Maybe Phil was in love with him… But, at the same time, why were these thoughts only emerging from the prompts of dreams? If it was real love, wouldn't he have noticed before? He shouldn't need to feel someone's lips against his own, or suffer through an embarrassing radio-sing-a-long to discover hidden feelings. Right? Or wrong?

And suddenly there Phil was - sitting Dan down and telling him. Telling him everything, and excluding nothing. All about Chris, and not being sure whether he liked him back or not. All about PJ, and then finally, about himself. Phil still wasn't sure, so he laid the statement down in the best way he thought he could.

"I think I'm in love with you."

And that was the utter truth - he didn't know. He might be in love with Dan, he might not be in love with him. But as the words left his mouth, they tasted sour and rushed. As if he'd regurgitated a long-forgotten memory that wasn't meant to be brought back up. They felt wrong, but somewhat right. As if a drastic weight had been thrown off his shoulders, only to be replaced with another one. Only, Phil couldn't decide if this new weight was heavier than the previous one, or lighter.

Dan said nothing.

How could he reply to that? Out of all the things Dan had expected Phil to sit him down and discuss, this had never even made it to the 'possible-but-highly-unlikely' section of the list. It was just so surprising and out-of-the-blue, that Dan couldn't think up a single response, so he just sat and stared.

And that was probably the worst thing. It was as if Phil's dream had come true. He felt the embarrassment, the fear. The emptiness, the nausea. But that feeling lingered like a choking cloud of disgust, tearing away at the two boy's relationship. For the rest of the day, the rest of the week, the rest of the month. Phil had assumed things would go back to normal, but they didn't. Dan didn't simply get over it. But he couldn't be blamed, because neither did Phil.

Maybe love is when you admit it, and it works. Perhaps that's the defining feature that makes love what it is. You can think you love someone, or assess a situation and think "this should be working", but it will never be love if it doesn't click. You can try to force love, or trick yourself into feeling it, but you know you're trying to cheat the system when you feel that guilty emptiness. A doubt-induced sickness.

Dan left after three months.

And Phil still doesn't know what love is. 

* * *

><p><strong>A  N: Sorry if that didn't make much sense, but I really felt like I needed to shove all my pent-up emotions into some fanfiction (yes the story is true and I just switched myself for Phil, and yes I did have a dream about singing Paramore in a bathtub) **

**Anyway, I just thought it was an interesting concept for a fanfiction, considering we all seem to write about 'love', but do we even know what it is?**

**And for anyone who's following either of my previous fanfics, new chapters are coming soon, but I hope this makes up for the lack of them in the meantime!**


End file.
